Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Randomize
