When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
