I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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