I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
