Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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