Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
