i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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