i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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