i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
