You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
