Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
