my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
