I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
