My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
