Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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