Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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