i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
