That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
