my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
zippers are such a cool invention
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
