I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
