You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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