Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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