hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
