you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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