we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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