Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
