He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
