I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
