You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
