i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize