I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
