Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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