So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
