she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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