When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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