i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
