It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Someone shattered a urinal.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Randomize
