Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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