no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
