are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
