# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
