If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
sarcasm needs its own font
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize