I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Randomize
