i dedicated my morning wood to you.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out mid-signature
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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