Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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