things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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