I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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