I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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