Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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