i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
