i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
