i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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