Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
