I wish I could teleport
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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