No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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