I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
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I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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