the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
