i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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