I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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