the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
