It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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